As the title of the blog implies, my last name is not included here in order to retain a bit of anonymity. Personally, it represents a bit of a confusion of identity.
You see, my current last name is really not my last name, it belonged to my father’s stepfather. And since my father was not actually adopted by his stepfather, he retained his real father’s last name. However, he used his stepfather’s last name even though it wasn’t his legally. Confused? That’s how I feel.
To make matter’s worse, I never really liked my grandfather. So being stuck with a name that really isn’t supposed to be mine, handed down from a person I didn’t like, doesn’t make me happy.
My father did ask me to change my name to his father’s last name, to keep the name alive. I said I would, but I am having second thoughts on this one. My problem is that this name comes from a family that never really had any good fortune, and the fact that I never knew any other family members on that side of the family. I don’t think there were any. So I am really tempted to fore-go this change in preference to a change to a entirely different name. A break from the past, so to speak. I am worried that this would be a denial of who I am as a person, and that that would be a bad thing.
So right now I am in a state of flux. Which direction should I take? A break from the past or a reaffirmation of my bloodline? I still need a little time.
Meanwhile, I still search for answers…
